Friday, February 1, 2013

Miracles do happen! Some BIG news to share!

Well hi everyone! Happy 1st of February. A new month is here and its always the start of something promising. 

Now, if you have followed me for a while on this blog, you will guess right away (if you dont know already) what my BIG news might be. Its no secret what I have desired most in my life the last 2-3 years. 

If you have followed me for a while, you will also know that I am an emotional scrapper. I pour my heart and  soul into my projects and always ALWAYS maintain that the reason I scrap is to express my love for my daughters. I just want them to know I love them...even on the bad days. So, this means when things are happening in my life, its very hard to scrap when I invest so much emotion in my projects. 

You would have realised things slowed down a lot here about October last year. What would make a passionate scrapper like me , leave my dream Design Team at Kaisercraft , Imaginarium Designs and other wonderful things I was doing mid term? What would make me knock back even BIGGER invitations from many places to Guest Design or join their team? 

Yes, I did tell you I was sick. That is 100% true. Yes my thyroid condition was and still is plaguing me. But there was indeed a bigger reason than that. I am nervous and my hands are shaking when I write this... I am not sure I can because too many old wounds are opening up again as I type this but the fact remains that ..

**I AM EXPECTING A BABY**

YAY I hear you say. Its what I have wanted. Yeah... YAY is what I would have been saying too if I didn't have a history. If you do not know what I am talking about you should see the sidebar of my blog, and go to archives and click back to October 2011. Its all there.. documented is a very raw way. 

Nothing has changed since that dreadful day , October 10th 2011. I can recite minute by minute how it all went down. How it was 9:00 am on a Monday morning, the first day back from our school break when I was 20 weeks pregnant and I was going to finish off that year and have my baby in February of 2012. Yeah all was perfect. But for me, as I look back at it all now 15 months later, I realise that something broke inside me that day. I can tell you I am not the person I was. I don't know how I have made it through the last 15 months. 

The thought of not trying for another baby NEVER crossed my mind, although so many people have now told me "you are so brave for trying again after what you went through". I would think "huh? what are you talking about?" . I NEVER thought I would stop trying. I vividly remember the following day , after we were told the baby had passed , we were in the hospital. My husband was devastated, but I was just robotic, unemotional, clinical and detached. I looked over at him and I said "Don't be upset. We WILL have another baby. I promise you I will NEVER give up". I thought of having another baby from the moment they told us our baby had died. I thought about having another baby from the moment I delivered my baby girl. I never stopped thinking of it. 

I have not stopped thinking of it for the past 3 years. It has changed me, it has detached me from everyone I know because NO ONE understands. There is no common ground when I can't get past what happened. I do not sit in a corner in my room crying. NO WAY! I am up and moving all the time because if i REALLY go there.. I am positively sure I would die. 

It has not been fair to my girls.. they have a part of their mother thats missing all these years as I have been so subconsciously preoccupied with the why's and the how's of the pregnancies I had or didn't have . They have a mum who can be emotionally unavailable at times for reasons I cannot explain. Its not fair to my husband. I tell him lately "I am NOT the same person you married 14 years ago. I a NOT the same, do not expect the same Nadia"  WHY would I feel like this when I have 2 healthy children, a loving husband, a wonderful network or friends and family? Why? 

Because the loss is HUGE. The emptiness too deep, the wound too painful when a baby that is supposed to be coming ...just doesn't! When a mother loses her baby like that.. Its total and pure mourning and grief for the baby, for what would have been. A mother never gets past that. It cant be fixed.  You can't take medication for it. There is NOTHING anyone can do or say that makes it go away. Its all about time and emotional healing that only YOU can do. But it helps to know people care and think of you. Like I said before, something broke in me that day when I had to deliver my baby and never get to bring it home. You can't just get over stuff like that. You just can't. The maternal instinct is at an all time high inside me and what happened to me was not normal. NOTHING or no one prepares you for that.  Normal is, you fall pregnant, everyone rejoices in that, your other children anticipate the arrival of a sibling, you go and have labor pains and once you see that baby you forget everything and life is perfect. Well.. we did all that minus the last bit.

I live with this every day. NOT in an obsessive way. Its just part of me now, and now that I am pregnant I am even more alert to all the feelings I had tucked away in order to protect myself. Everything is so REAL again. Everything is with me , every single day and because of this.. I have lost friends. I am just not who I used to be. This , I believe, is my coping mechanism until some time passes. I just need to be alone and hope that this baby makes it and maybe after some years I would have healed.  

So it took a while to fall pregnant again.

So I wondered... where was God all this time? I have been pretty angry at him. Even if you do not believe in God, surely you must believe there is a higher power somewhere out there. Things don't happen by chance. Where was all that during my struggle? Then, I fell pregnant in August and magically I turn to God again. Hypocritical huh? 

I won't be the poster girl for HOPE. Because you know what? I gave up in the end. After many months of heartache , i simply gave up. Just did not want to try anymore. If I could say any piece of advice is that miracles do happen because I am expecting again. So I guess, you should never give up in the end. What will be , will BE! 

And you know what? Yet ONE MORE TIME the powers that be , proved to me that I do not get to decide ANYTHING!! I fell pregnant just when I had given up. That same month I said to my self and to hubby "I just cant do this anymore". No counting dates, no checking when the right time was, NOTHING! 

And here we are now, I find my self 5 months later... me and my baby  trying to do this thing together with God's help. This baby is stronger than me right now. It kicks me so hard, it makes its presence felt and I am getting strength from that. I am trying to stay positive and tell myself "we made it one more day little one.. one more day"

Do you know the pain of waiting for something that never comes? Its unbearable. You can't look back and you cannot move forward and everything around you is frozen in time until you either decide you stop chasing it or it happens. For me, it hasnt happened yet because I just simply will wait until I have this baby in my hands before I let go of all my fears. 

Now that people know, its easier but like I said earlier old wounds are opening up again. 

I just pray with ALL my might that we get there this time. 

If not, I just do not know what will happen.... I dont think I will survive it. 

I have wanted to tell you all for SO long, but I was just so afraid. Now I am past the psychological milestone of last time I am a little more at ease but there are 13 and a bit weeks to go still so every single day is a battle. 

I am off work, have been since October and really trying to look after myself. I try not to think of the what ifs, but sometimes in the middle of the night it all comes back again and that is just too darn hard. 

But anyway, thank you all for all the love you have sent my way the last year and a bit. SOOOO many of you express their care in subtle messages through emails, comments on my blog, on Facebook.. just letting me know you were thinking of me and anticipating my news. I thank you wholeheartedly and I just hope these next few months pass quickly. 

There has been one  person who has listened to all the fears , all the doubts , in the middle of the night all these months. Someone that never made me feel I was over reacting or that she was sick of me and my worries.Someone who listened even though our conversations were one sided and selfish. My dear friend Georgia H. who I can honestly say I would not have made it through some very tough moments without her. There are so many people that would have helped me I know this! I just didnt want to worry so many. But thank you Georgia and sooo many of you who keep me in their prayers. 

Lastly, I didnt intend for this to be this long but I have known you all so long that I couldnt just NOT explain myself. Also, I wanted to tell you that I am feeling GREAT , my thyroid is under control with medication, and I am about to enter my third and last trimester.

I know you all wish me well, so please do not think you need to leave me any comments or feel obliged to write me long messages because I know this is my thing and people often find it difficult to explain what they really feel. I understand that so please don't worry about saying anything. Now that people know.. its like a huge weight off my shoulders. 

Let's hope for a home run this time :)

All my love, Nadia